So I’ve become a little bit addicted to forensics and detective shows. Forensic Files, the First 48, The Investigators, etc… the real true life crime story shows. I am totally hooked. I heart them. However, last night I had an epiphany… they are real… and now I am scared shitless.
My apartment makes weird noises and I just know that the knocking noise is NOT THE ICE FALLING, its a serial killer, the Houston Killer coming to kill me in my sleep. I’ve had this fear before and my friend Grant will attest that for years I was terrified of the New York Killer. Apparently there was one very specific serial killer that was looking for me during all my trips to the city. I named him the New York Killer. He knocked on my hotel room doors and I just know he was following me. Which is why it was totally unsafe for me to ride the subway, carry my own luggage, walk on the outside of the street and why I had to always be picked up for events and couldn’t get myself there. But I am regressing into New York Killer conversations and this blog is about the current serial killer after me, the Houston Killer.
I have found it quite helpful to watch these shows and to watch Criminal Minds, as I now feel much more qualified to profile him and feel confident in my ability to leave behind good forensic evidence. I want to make it as easy as possible for the hot dude from Criminal Minds to find my killer. I am not sure how I feel about the name I have selected for my personal serial killer, though… I mean I like it… I guess. Anyhoo… below are the steps I am planning on taking to ensure that the Houston Killer does not go unpunished.
- I am going to make an evidence kit. A little baggie with a lock of hair, my spit, maybe a finger nail clipping and some fiber from my sweater. I will take one of these with me everywhere. If you ever find one in your car, pocket, or in your bag… well, then you know that I suspect you of being a serial killer and we probably don’t have too much of a future.
- I will scratch any man that takes me anywhere. That way in case he kills me and I forget to fight back, well, there will still be evidence under my finger nails.
- If we go out more than once, you can bet your sweet ass that I’ll be throwing a map up on the wall with little pins in all the places we go. This way, I got the geographical profile started for the team early.
- Ummm, I am for sure never naming anyone in Houston the beneficiary on my life insurance. This way, you can’t marry me, then kill me for the insurance money. That all goes to Elizabeth Woodard Porterfield.
- So, sidenote about #4… if I mysteriously die over Thanksgiving or Christmas… check out Elizabeth and Eric… they are doing a lot of renovations on their house and I don’t wanna die just so my sister can get new hardwoods throughout the house. Ya know what I mean?
- Antifreeze. Apparently this is a big killer. I had no idea. So, first I am starting a petition to the antifreeze maker people that they change the taste. This silent killer should not easily masked in a glass of sweet tea. And second, you can bet that I’ll have some kind of testing strip with me to find out if there is anything in my tea. I will not be felled by a glass of sweet tea.
I am scared of being murdered in the shower. I don’t want to be found naked. I have gone 32 years without having naked pictures of me taken and I would like to keep it that way even in death. So, Houston Killer, if you follow this blog… please don’t kill me in the shower. Second, if any of you really love me… and you find me murdered in my shower … do me a tinsy tiny favor, throw some clothes on me, THEN call the cops. I would do it for you.
And finally, maybe just maybe, I am gonna think about not watching these shows anymore… they might be making me think irrational thoughts about being slayed by a serial killer. Maybe.