I have quit smoking and quit drinking.  Right now I am regretting
both those decisions – cause I could really use a Maker's Mark and a
Marlboro Light.  In fact, I desperately want them both even though its 9
in the morning. 

This morning I found out that
someone very, very precious to me is sick.  And I am not really handling
it well.  So I've sat down to tell the cosmic void how I feel in the
hopes that saying it all out loud will help me stop crying.

I
am scared. 

I am trying so hard to turn to God, to
pray for his will.  But my prayers keep coming up selfish.  I keep
praying for her to be better – to not have to go down this road.  I am
pretty sure that's not how I am supposed to pray and not what I am
supposed to ask for… but its so desperately what I want.  I wish I
could be unselfish enough to pray for wisdom, and patience… but I am
not there yet. And right now, I wonder if I can ever get to that point. 

I am scared. 

In this moment, I
have horrible regret that I moved away.  I just want to be with my
friend.  Even if its just to sit next to her and do nothing.  I don't
want to be here; I don't want to be in this place away from them.  I
feel truly trapped right now.  I know that being there won't change
anything but it would just make me feel better.

But for
now, I am just going to sit here and pray my selfish prayers and cry.  A
lot.