I call my mother for every grammatical question. Today, I had to write a letter to Barbara Bush. I felt compelled to ensure that the commas were placed correctly. So I call Big Sara. Don't worry, I am going to get to my point. I think if you had her as a teacher, this story might be funny to you. If not, I still think it might be funny. I think my mom might be one of the funniest people I know… and she doesn't really try that hard.
I love the fact that she has a phone in her classroom. Inevitably a student answers "Mrs. Woodard's Room"… and for some reason that always makes me laugh. I want someone to answer my phone "Miss Woodard's Cubicle Open to the World with No Privacy". Anyway, I always say. "Is she there?" They say "Yes." I say, "Listen punk eighth grader put my freaking my mom on the phone"
Actually I don't but she always asks who it is from a far and I say "Her Daughter" and she says "Which one?" I say… the good looking one. She always picks up the phone and says "Elizabeth?"
My mom is kind of a punk.
Anyway, we go through all that today and I ask her my grammar question. In the middle of her answer she stops and says the following to her classroom of young impressionable minds:
"Shut Up! Shut Up! I can hear you know! Shut Up"
Then she returns to our call and answers my question. I didn't really think much of it at the time. Until this evening. I had to call her with another grammatical question. This time I call at home. She answers. I ask my question. She answers. And then she drops a bomb on me.
Big Sara: Guess what? I have some exciting news
Sherry: Shit, are you pregnant? <insert cackle>
Big Sara: No, but I bought hearing aids at Costco this weekend
Are you freaking kidding me? I think its the funniest statement I have heard in, oh I don't know, months. But she did, Big Sara that has been tuning out eigth graders and her youngest daughter for about 20 years… can finally hear.
She can hear the rustle of the paper, the door to her room closing, kids talking and now she startles really easily. I am guessing she might have turned the closed caption off the TVs.
And I am excited, its nice that I won't have to yell anymore… but oh my God… she got them at Costco. I can't stop laughing about it.
And then it totally dawned on me tonight driving home…she's going to be yelling "Shut Up" at kids all the time. I bet she doesn't make it to the summer.