I know in my head that God has a plan for me. I just wish someone would explain it to my heart. I realize I just took some liberties with Sally Field's line from Steal Magnolias. But it’s the best way to explain how I feel right now.
Maybe a blog isn’t the place to share your fears. But I am tired, and I am scared, and I feel alone. Alone surrounded by some of the best friends a girl could ask for. And so far, the cosmic void has provided me with a lot of support, encouragement and love.
Life is messy. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. That through everything this mess is supposed to be happening. Its how we grow. And isn’t growing painful? You know like those 8 ft tall people that have all sorts of medical conditions because they are so tall.
Sometimes in life, it all happens at once, you know? The bad stuff. I know there is good stuff sprinkled in there but I can’t see past the pain yet. And my bad stuff isn’t really that bad… I’ve got a home, a good job, I breathe in and I breathe out. But I just keep wondering when its going to get easier – when will things fall in place for me. I mean for the love of God and all that is holy… I am 33 years old. You’d think I would have some things figured out. I absolutely don’t.
As I write this I am watching Mamma Mia, and I feel like my troubles could go away if I could just break out in song. But I think you need a trio to really sing Abba … so I need two back up singers. And some costumes. Its also really hard to keep crying when you watch Mamma Mia. Just fyi.
Meredith Grey says what I want to say really well… so I’ll let her take the mic for a minute:
A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.
So I guess the point of this rambling blog is to say that right now I need to cosmic void to send up some prayers for me. Because I’ve hit my knees and humbling myself to accept the mistakes I’ve made, the wrongs I’ve done and I am praying for His help to see his plan for me. For His help to embrace that plan and His help getting past the fear. And as always, thanking Him for Will Muschamp and Mack Brown.
Forgive the disjointed thoughts of this blog, I think I just needed to write. I actually have no idea if any of this makes a bit of sense. It does to my confused little mind.