Most of you that know me, also know that I am going on about 4 years of being a House worthy medical mystery.  I have more crazy things happen to me in doctor’s offices and hospitals than just about anyone I know.  A good friend mentioned to me to today that her favorite Big Sara story is the “Hospital Scene of 08”… so I thought I would take the long walk (2 ft) to the computer and tell you all about the “Hospital Scene of 08.”

So one day at work, I feel quite weak, nauseous and very dizzy.  I have horrible pains in my sides and back.  I decide it would be a good idea to go the hospital.  Conveniently, Big Sara is off school – I think she was on Spring Break.  Yes, she was on Spring Break.  Since she is about 4 minutes from my office and MY MOTHER… I thought she would want to take me to the hospital.  She let me interrupt her calligraphy party long enough to give me a ride to the Emergency Room.  And yes, you read that correctly she was hand writing out all the place cards for the Woodard- Porterfield Wedding.  All 1 million of them.

She drops me off and goes to park.  And yes, you read that correctly as well.  She dropped me off, I wasn’t entirely sure she was going to come back for me.  But she did.  And here is how I know… after vomiting in the waiting room bathroom and passing out while completing the forms required by the ER lady I was rushed in to see a doctor.  I am in and out of consciousness at this point but I am aware that there is much ado surrounding me.  A lovely nurse whose name I can’t remember (but she remembered us at a later visit) is frantically trying to get an IV in me and through the ER TV show worthy chaos a voice like no other breaks through.

In her very best eighth grade English teacher voice/panicked mother screech she yelled “NOT IN HER HAND!  NOT IN HER HAND!  Her sister’s wedding is in a week and I can’t have bruised up hands in the pictures.  Put it somewhere else.”

And yes, you read that correctly.  There was no fear that I was in an out of consciousness, no desperate attempts to ensure my safety and well being but by God, there would be no bruising in the Woodard-Porterfield Wedding photos.

As soon as her priorities and dominance of the Emergency Room were established with that outburst, we settled in for the slew of tests and analysis to determine what was causing me to throw up every day, get dizzy and faint and basically barely be able to function.

The lovely nurse from earlier returned frequently and she and Big Sara had a lovely banter about the wedding plans over my groans of misery.  At which point a young doctor emerged from somewhere to diagnose me.  With Mono.

I responded “Umm, no I can’t have mono.  I am not in junior high.”
Big Sara responded “Shit, I need to call your sister, she had a sore throat.”

So basically, I was given some fluids and told to go on my merry way.  But not to share saliva with anyone. Those were all the instructions from the doctor.  The drive home with my mother contained many more instructions.  Mostly about keeping a good distance from my sister and finishing up my wedding planning tasks.

There are two major problems I have with this story.

  1. She was right, of course she was right.  The IV did bruise terribly.  But since it was placed on the inside of my arm near my elbow – it was not visible in a single picture.  Had she not stopped them, about 90% of the photos would have to be altered so that I didn’t look like the battered sister.  It was a good call.  Big Sara is nothing if not a planner.  How she thinks of these things I will never understand. 
  2. When we returned to the same ER the day after the wedding …I was still throwing up and passing out.  The lovely nurse came in to put in my IV and said “Oh, how was your sister’s wedding?” And since this time it was Elizabeth that took me to the ER – someone finally realized that I hadn’t made the “Hospital Scene of 08” up.   And since the wedding was done, they focused on me for a few minutes and then everyone sat in my hospital room and talked about how great the wedding was. 

Footnote:  I did not have mono but rather a horrendous case of gall stones.  My gall bladder was removed the next day.  Big Sara still denies, not the accuracy of this story, but there was any wrongdoing on her part.

Double Footnote:  I totally forgot to mention that she did leave me there alone for awhile – she had to go have her braces tightened or maybe it was to get retainers.  I think it was retainers… cause she had her braces removed for the wedding and then put back on after.  Yes, you also read that correctly.