Right now is an interesting time in my life. I am preparing to say goodbye, starting to pack boxes and throwing things away. I am once again filled with excitement and sadness all at the same time. I had a bittersweet surprise this weekend and all my kiddos came into town. It made me so excited to head back home. Just knowing that I am going to get to watch their little hearts grow and be close to them made me very, very happy. I keep picturing and imagining my future life… and in all my daydreams I am in these shoes:
Interestingly enough I can’t afford $1,000 shoes now, not sure how I plan to buy them once I am not working. Never mind that I can’t walk in 4 inch heels and that I’ll have nowhere to wear them. Nonetheless, I am wearing them in all my daydreams about the future.
As I leave, though, I am filled with some regrets too. Regrets that stay top of my mind and that I have the sudden urge to fix in the next 16 days. Like friendships that started here but tapered off, while I know it is the ebb and flow of life its still hard not to wish some things had been different. As I pack up the memories of the past two years I feel the overwhelming need to reach out to them and let them know how they shaped my time here and how they shaped me.
Simple regrets like the career ups and downs that I faced in such a short time; how I regret the way some of it all went down but I wouldn’t change the learning that I gained from it. On some level I think I regret that I never really gave this all a chance – that I always knew it wasn’t permanent. That I was just visiting for awhile and would go back home. I regret some of the things I invested too much time in and gave too much of myself for because now I am leaving disappointed that those things haven’t worked out .
For a few days I have stewed about my regrets but now I am just sending them out into the cosmic void. I want to focus on the things that have changed me, made me better… if I had not moved to Houston and finally had moments in the day not filled with work… well, I wouldn’t have ever started this silly little blog. I would never have discovered that I am truly at my happiest when I am writing. That I can make myself laugh out loud. I wouldn’t have discovered my faith in Christ again. I would never have learned that I only have two requirements for a job – doing something I am passionate about and working for someone that I know without question is smarter than me. I would not have realized that as scared as I am, as much self doubt as I have, that I have gifts to give. I sometimes regret that I left Dallas and a wonderful career in its high stride. I regret that I haven’t felt successful at anything here in Houston. I regret that I missed 2 years of my kiddos growing up.
Instead of wallowing in these regrets, I plan to revel in the fact that I found a new me. Discovered that I am filled with joy and still a little snarky. That this new me sees and treats people differently and is more open to new people. That the new me is willing to take great risks for great rewards. And that this me is willing to do anything to find happiness.
Mostly I love that this me, this me that has failed, been hurt, disappointed and heartbroken is okay. She is better than okay. She is changed. She is content.
And she is really looking forward to learning how to walk in 4 inch heels that cost as much as a transmission.