I’ve lost my mind. Seriously, I know most of you think I am crazy and you base that solely on the things I show you. Imagine all the shit I don’t show. But today, I’ve accepted it in myself. I think someone once told me “If you can ask yourself – am I crazy – then you aren’t.” Well, what about just knowing. Cause I know, for sure. I don’t wonder I know.
Here is how I know. DirectTV made me sob this morning. Not get mad, not get a shaky voice. I sobbed. Why?
Because Gunner, my DirectTV technician called this morning at 7:40 am to let me know he’d be here by 8:30 am. At 8:35 am I walked into my living room and saw a DirectTV van parked in front of my house. At 8:40 am he was still inside said van, so I stepped outside and waved at him. He appeared to be on the phone. At 8:45 am I walked back into the living room to see that the van, and presumably Gunner were no longer in front of my house.
I called him on the cell number he called from at 7:40 am. He said he’d rung my doorbell but was now at another job and couldn’t leave once he was there.
Did he see the hypocrisy in that statement? Had he not just left my house? And really, Gunner? Does your DirectTV van double as the ‘Millennium Falcon?’ How the eff did you get to another job that you couldn’t possibly leave in 5 minutes.
That’s when crazy struck. Thank God it waited until I hung up the phone. But I couldn’t stop them. The sobs. It started as just a giant deep breath and the next thing I know there were hiccups and rivers of mascara.
I don’t think this was about Gunner or DirectTV. I think months and months of anxiety finally just exploded – in the form of horrible hiccupping, wallowing, sobs that I could not stop. I lost my shit this weekend, too. And my lovely mother and sister came to rescue and pulled me back from the ledge. They helped organize my house, clean my house, do laundry and get me back to feeling like I had a little control. And then Gunner and his van reminded me that I don’t have control over anything.
Maybe Big Sara and Elizabeth did me a disservice. Maybe by pulling me back from the ledge and not letting me just tumble forward and then figure out how to climb back up I didn’t get to let go of all the scared, lonely, frustrated, and did I say scared feelings inside me. Maybe we need to do that once and awhile – you know – just let it all go. With abandon. Every now and again, maybe we all need to just freak the fuck out.
I don’t know if I feel better or worse about my sad little living room sob fest. But I know I let go of something – I just have no idea what. But for months, maybe even the past year, all this anxiety and fear has resided on my chest. Directly on my lungs. I can’t tell you the last time I took a deep breath and didn’t have it catch. I’ve lived most of my life with what I thought was a tight rein on things. I knew my job, I knew where I was living, I chose my friends, my activities… well at least I thought I did. That’s the way I like to remember it.
This year, hasn’t felt like that at all. I don’t have control of anything… I have worked at Dr Pepper, I have been a student, I have been a writer, and now I am back at a new job. Saturday marks my one-year return to Dallas.
Maybe that’s it. Maybe I thought I’d be a famous author by now and wearing Christian Loubatains instead of UT flip-flops that I grabbed at Wal-Mart one day after work since my feet hurt.
Maybe I thought I would have found the perfect man to spoon with instead of the perfect pillow from Restoration Hardware. But if I am totally honest, it really is the perfect pillow and the perfect spoon. I thought I’d have longer hair. I definitely thought that my skin would be clearer.
Instead I am surrounded by things that I have no control over. None whatsoever. Not even my television.
And I have a sensitive, concerned new roommate (we’ll call her Green, cause she is kind of hippie) that I just read this to and she said “But is he going to come back?” And then walked in the living room with a box called “Gardenopoly” where I can buy green houses and compost piles. It’s the game that will grow on you. WTF?
So, that, cosmic void is where I am at right now. Sobbing over cable television and looking forward to buying faux compost piles with fake money.