I awoke early this morning. It’s Moving Day and I had a few things to finish before heading home….again. I have moved away from home twice now and come back twice now. It’s hard for me not to look back at the past three months and not feel like a failure. I keep telling myself that I took a risk and I tried and that in itself makes me a winner. But the failure talk is what my inner voice keeps screaming. I wish I knew how to drown it out.
When I really stop and think about this experience, I realize that I actually learned a lot in a very short time. A few of the better learnings from my psyche are below for your reading pleasure.
1. No matter what, you can always go home to the safe embrace of your family.
2. To trust my gut. I knew the day the movers brought my stuff to San Antonio that I had made a mistake. I told myself it was just fear. But I knew… And that was my third week here.
3. That is better to be happy than to be proud.
4. That’s sometimes things just don’t work out. I am the kind of person that will often work myself to exhaustion trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and that just isn’t good for my soul.
5. That I’m no good with total solitude. I need my network of friends and family to be successful. Some people can branch out on their own and be just fine. I am not those people.
6. That feeling a sense of ownership and investment in the work I do is vital to my engagement and success. If it’s mine I will move mountains to make it a success. If it’s yours and you just want my help… I’ll give it a good go but I’m not invested.
7. That Mama knows. Big Sara knew. She knew before I left, she knew when I knew and she knew when it was all imploding. She is wise and I should actually listen to her more.
8. That people be cruel. They don’t mean to be, they are just concerned about themselves. I give them power in my life by taking their insensitivity personally and thinking it’s about me.
9. That you can miss a place you didn’t like. I already miss San Antonio. Or maybe I miss the idea and the promise that it held.
10. That you can spit polish a terd but it’s still a terd. I got a new car, a cute house, a couple new outfits, I dated, and wore make up most days. But my heart wasn’t in any of it. I tried to make it look and feel good but in the end, it was still a terd.
So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m happy and sad all at once and I’m not sure how to handle that see-saw. I am happy to be going home and re-booting. I am sad that it didn’t work out… That I didn’t work in this new place. I am happy that I learned a bit more about what I want in my career. I am sad that this wasn’t it. Mostly, I am trying to be brave again. To start anew and remember the things I learned these past few months. And I’m hoping things work out better this time around.
I am sad, happy, scared and hopeful. So with all that said, it is northbound to another new beginning.