I consider myself a list artist. To-Do lists, to read lists, to buy lists, grocery lists and the grand-daddy of them all… the Christmas List.

This might be hard to believe but I’m somewhat difficult to buy for – crazy, I know!  As a kid, I was super particular about gifts.  We actually have a video where my sister is emceeing a fashion show of me, as it was the only way I’d try on my gifts.  As I modeled a new nightgown my sweet and thoughtful grandmother had purchased my reaction was “At least you got me two blue ones.”  Not thank you, or I needed these, or I love them…. Nope, “at least you got me two blue ones.”  That’s become part of our family vernacular… and anytime I act snotty or too picky someone says “At least you got me two blue ones.”

Back then, though, the Christmas List was more like marking up the Toys R Us catalog and circling things I liked.  As I’ve gotten older, I’m still particular about things – I like certain colors, certain brands and am allergic to just about everything.  So I continue to make very detailed Christmas Lists.  I certainly don’t expect Big Sara to buy me everything on my list, but I always hope she will.

The trick with the lists now is that  1) I email them to her 2) I include links to the exact product I want and 3) try to find everything I can on Amazon so she has Prime shipping.  The Prime shipping is important because a couple years ago she ordered things from my list a little late and there was a big ice storm… so UPS didn’t deliver by Christmas.  Come Christmas morning, I arrive with bags and boxes and more bags of gifts for Big Sara, my sister and BIL and of course, the twins.

You know what was under the tree for me?  Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

But my sister saved me from getting nothing by grabbing a Shutterfly calendar she’d made of the twins and giving it to me… unwrapped.  Now, I know this is childish but I love opening gifts.  I love giving them, too.  But I get super excited even when I know what the gift is… so this was a tragic Christmas morning for me.  I haven’t let Big Sara forget it.  Poor Mom, she works so hard on Christmas and I tease her about neglecting me and one year little Sara was snotty about her gift, too. (She might take after her Totsie a little bit.) I feel like its important for me to say here that GIFTS are my love language. So while I spend a lot of time making my own list, I spend just as much time thinking of gifts to get for my family and loved ones.  It is hard for me to hold back on things for the twins, but they literally get so much, that this year I’ve been more reasonable in my purchases for them.  Though, I still got them a bunch of stuff.  They just seem to get overwhelmed by all the presents and don’t even open them all.  Watching someone open a gift from me is part of the pleasure.  I love to see their reaction and discover if I got it right or not. My sister is still quite terrible at faking joy.

I’ve spent some time putting this year’s list together and thought I should share with my adoring public – just in case any of you wanted to present me with things on the list.  One thing to keep in mind as you read this list, is that I believe in the mantra “Go Big or Go Home.”  I try to really dig deep into the things I want cause if you don’t ask – the answer is always no.

Here, for your reading pleasure is my 2016 Christmas List:

The new, connected Barbie Dream House  Seriously, this thing is a connected home but for Barbie. You can say “Dream House, open doors” and viola, Barbie’s doors dream-houseopen.  It still has an elevator like the Dream House of my childhood but it is powered by batteries instead of the string pulley I had to use to sneak Ken upstairs to meet Barbie.

I was telling my friend Kara about this the other day and invited her over to play Barbie.  She immediately accepted.  Her son looked at us both with disdain and said “You guys are like forty. Geez.”

Ummmm… is that too old or too young to start back up playing Barbies.

 

A new duvet cover from Crane and Canopy. I keep seeing ads for this and how it saves you time (80%) in making your bed.  I guess I’m going to try to start making my bed.

She already told me no on these two items. Big Sara said I would never use them, but I asked for them anyway – two “learn to knit” kits.  I need some potholders and maybe a winter hat and I thought this might be a fun way to get those.  Plus, I like the idea of knitting while I watch “Forensic Files” or “Dateline.”

An electric pencil sharpener. This might sound silly in this day and age, but I’ve taken up adult coloring.  I love it and it’s so peaceful for me –005 it quiets my anxiety and panic attacks.  I mostly color pages of curse words so that helps, too.  With all this coloring, I need a pencil sharpener.  And there is no one more qualified to purchase an electric pencil sharpener than someone that taught eighth grade English for 40 years.  So, I’ve left the selection process up to Big Sara – though if I could score one of those manual ones you attach to the chalkboard, that’d be amaze balls.

A big, huge pot of Gumbo. Not just any Gumbo… Big Sara’s gumbo.  It started as my Aunt Gladys’ recipe and mom has tweaked it some over the years to make it her own.  It’s the best gumbo on the planet.  It takes a couple days to make the right way and a big pot can run you a cool hundred on the ingredients and shrimp… so this was no small ask.  Big Sara has delivered and delivered early.  I’m currently having about a bowl a day.  The very best part of this gift is that I haven’t had to share it with my sister.  I did let Mom have a bowl… but the rest is all mine and it is delicious.

A red, with tan leather interior Chevrolet Tahoe. I don’t think this one really requires much explanation.  I used to say that all I really wanted was a Red Suburban, a big diamond ring and husband.  I’ve given up on those… so the Tahoe seems like the single girl version of a Suburban and I’ve got a nice sized Emerald so I’m all set.

If I actually get the above, then I’d also like a year’s worth of gas… cause those things are expensive to fill up and I still miss my Dad’s Texaco card that I had in high school.

An Apple Watch. I know it’s kind of dorky, but I have a FitBit Blaze and I feel like I’m an imposter.  Getting texts on your wrist is so awesome and so convenient.  I think I need the real deal.

Hillary. This might upset some of you, but one of my most fervent Christmas wishes fileis for the recount to change things or the electorates to make wise decisions and go out on their own.

You see, I’m still with her.

I’m truly not sure how I will survive the next four years as I can’t stand to watch the news now and hear the latest idiotic thing that the President-Elect has done.  If I can’t have Hillary then I suppose I’ll just wish, hope and pray that somehow we avoid total annihilation in the next four years and that Uncle Joe really does run in 2020.

For the Kardashians to go away. This requires zero explanation.

This absolutely insane Lip Stain. Seriously, you put it on, let it sit for 10 minutes and then peel it off. The color stays for 10 hours and doesn’t get on anything.  Are you kidding me? I don’t wear lipstick because it just wears off and feels funny… so this is game-changer for me.  And don’t even get me started on the satisfaction peeling it off will bring me.  It’s like a summer sunburn every damn day.

This t-nasty-womanshirt.

Cause it is everything.

I already bought it for myself … so Merry Christmas, Me!

 

The Frye Melissa Hobo Bag. Leathery goodness to carry all my things. I can just imagine how good it smells.

I realized after wanting Barbie’s Dream House that I don’t actually have any Barbies. Big Sara is notorious for throwing shit away… so Barbie, Ken, Skipper and PJ (the 80s brunette Barbie) are all lost to me.  Ergo, Barbie makes this year’s Christmas list.

The trouble is that now there are a zillion different kinds of Barbie.  In my day, there was blonde Barbie or Peaches and Cream Barbie.  Somehow Mom found PJ the brunette Barbie for me since I wasn’t blonde.  I guess I was supposed to identify with her better since our hair color was the same.  Except that’s where the similarities ended… even now that’s all we have in common.  I mean, the picture I have in my head of myself has her legs, tits, ass and waist size, but that’s not really steeped in reality.  I’ve scoured the available Barbie’s today and I can tell you that the following Barbies were not for me:

  • Yoga Barbie
  • Pediatrician Barbie
  • Farmer Barbiebarbie
  • Puppy Potty Training Barbie (her dog’s name is Taffy)
  • Barbie Bride and Ken Groom Doll (Seriously, even Barbie is married.)
  • Certainly not Soccer Barbie

So I am settling for President and Vice President Barbie.  Though I’m a little pissed that the blonde Barbie is president. Remember, I’m still with her.

Last, but certainly not least on my list is simply good health, success, good friends and maybe just maybe a little love and romance in 2017.

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